Our dreams were crushed by discovery that the nearest Sonic was 70 miles away, but our hunger remained. We found ourselves constantly slipping Sonic into everyday conversation. We, to our surprise, could not find a single person who had eaten at a Sonic. After winter break we reconvened, each having failed to find a Sonic near our hometown. Something was sketchy about this Sonic thing. What kind of food chain can afford expensive national advertisements with so few locations? It was simple. Sonic did not exist. Every once in a while someone would report having “eaten at Sonic,” which only meant one thing… brainwashing. They were brainwashing people in order to perpetuate the lie! We couldn’t believe how deep this thing went. What once had been a simple hankering for hamburgers had landed us in the middle of an epic conspiracy.

The treacherous reach of TBS, America’s SuperStation, can not be overstated. I spent my childhood in Pennsylvania watching Saved by the Bell and longing for things like Pink Flamingoes and Strawberry CreamSlushes.  Sonic felt totally inachievable.  And yet!  Sometime in my late teenaged years, my family ended up on vacation in Virginia Beach where I achieved CreamSlush every damn day of that trip.  If you ever go on a California road trip with me, there will be a side trip to a Sonic.